So how have I been since I started taking Ritalin on the 31st of December 2016. Well… pretty awesome!

The overly happy feeling subdued a bit after 2 weeks, which is a good thing, I mean I can’t wander through life feeling euphoric all the time. It has been replaced by contentment, by feeling more secure, by feeling more like me again after a really difficult year.

The side effects, headaches, jaw tension, feeling like my heart wants to leave my chest are getting less and less and my body feels more adjusted to the meds. The rebound is still happening but I am not as strict with my afternoon meds. As in not always taking them at 1 pm. That is not even possible at work, because sometimes I am stuck in meetings.

I also am a huge fan of Saturday afternoon naps. After a long work week, doing groceries and everything I want a nap and don’t like sleeping away some of the positive Ritalin effects so I take my second Ritalin when I wake up.

I now have to choose a therapist. My GP gave me a list and I need to make a decision. This has both to do with learning who I am on Ritalin as well as learning how to cope in a healthy way with all the negative coping mechanisms I learned myself throughout the years. Mostly it has to do with how I view relationships.

I have had a rough life, and lots of negative things happened in my life. I got help for that and learned how to deal with it. But somewhere along the way it also changed the way I look at relationships and how I am in a relationship. Both friendships as well as romantic ones.

I have serious trust issues and I fought hard for the person I am today. I am an independent, smart woman who yells she doesn’t need someone else to help her out. I know this is not what I really want if I am honest with myself.

I am jealous at friends who are in a relationship, living together, having kids. On the other hand I almost panic thinking about sharing my life with someone else and not being able to have my own space and peace any longer. That I have to share my decisions with someone else, my bed, my time, my cat, my space. It frightens me.

What als frightens me is that I have never been in love. Is this because I don’t open myself up to it? Is it because I haven’t met the right person? Am I a-romantic? These are all questions I have. Because I can like someone, I can lust after someone but that romantic feeling people talk about? Nope, never happened.

I also have a non healthy practical look on relationships. As in, it would be nice to share the bills, the chores in and around the house, not always being responsible for the hard decisions and having kids. That is not how people should look at a relationship, just for practical reasons. I just can’t believe or imagine you want to spend the rest of your life with someone else. I don’t want to marry. I don’t see the appeal. Spending loads of money on an expensive party, buying a dress you only wear once and people getting the chance to say embarrassing things about you. You see, I am more practical. But again, is that me or is that how I decided to be to protect myself against disappointment and pain.

The thing is, the Ritalin made me feel more happy and content and I kind of want to try having a relationship again, although I am scared shitless and I finally admit I need help with this. And also having doubts about how a psychologist is gonna help me think differently on my outlook on life.

It is a struggle that is now more real because I feel better. Last year I just postponed everything about the future, not wanting to think about it because I was depressed, which was also a great excuse. I don’t have that excuse any longer …

I think I need to phone my GP for a referral.

Thanks for reading, love, Jamie.

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