Hi, you can call me Jamie for the moment, not my real name, but that has a reason which I will explain in a moment.

I am a geek, I am female and a week ago I got the diagnosis ADHD. I went to my GP today and got my first prescription for Ritalin…

Basically I am scared shitless to start taking those tablets tomorrow and also very excited. You see, I am 33 at the moment and have been struggling on and of with ADHD.

English isn’t my native language so if I make any mistakes, I am sorry. I choose to stay anonymous. Some would agree, some wouldn’t. Fact is that there is still a huge stigma on having a mental disorder and although ADHD is widely accepted by most people I am also battling a depression. And before you might think, oh god, not one of those people who start a blog and express how terrible they feel and that they crave attention and need other people to feel sorry for them, nope.

I see myself as someone with high functioning depression, something that isn’t well known in my own country as a diagnosis (and no I didn’t diagnose myself, I got my fine label earlier this year from a psychologist). Check this link or this link or google the term.

You see, I go to work every day, I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise, I meet up with friends, go to social outings, but on the inside I am numb, somber, lifeless, not me. (and a whole lot of other things).

But I wanna go back to my ADHD. After sinking into my depression at the end of last year and not getting better I sought help for myself. I wanted help for my depression, but because I have been suspecting I might have ADD I wanted to know if that was the root of my problems, so to speak. I am a social worker and part of my previous job was also doing psycho-diagnostic test with new patients. One of those tests was to check if someone might have ADD/ADHD. I remember joking about that if I would make that test the scores would be very high.

At that time I was too afraid to get tested, I was afraid of losing my job, this was about 4 years ago, when I was battling another depression episode. I decided to not seek help and try to find my own way around my problems.

I switched jobs and as I said, I am yet again depressed. This time it wasn’t going away and my current work environment is much better that I am not afraid to loose my job with a diagnoses, but I am still careful about it.

After going to my GP about 6 months ago, getting a referral for a psychologist and a first appointment I got the diagnoses depression. Since ADD/ADHD can be a huge influence on depression I wanted to get tested. I got another referral and another waiting list and last month I started my tests, endless questionnaires and talks and tests and last week they finally told me I got ADHD, not ADD.

I already made an appointment with my GP for today and I expected yet another referral to a psychiatrist for ADHD medication, until my GP told me that in some cases, like mine because I had a whole folder full of tests, they can make an exception and prescribe the meds. I was a bit flabbergasted when she told me that.

We discussed Ritalin, the side effects and the GP monitoring my blood pressure and weight. (Side effects can be high blood pressure and weight loss amongst other things). Since I am overweight I don’t worry about the weight loss, but the high blood pressure is another thing. I got a prescription for 2 weeks, 2x a day 10 mg Ritalin and a new appointment in 2 weeks.

I am scared shitless. What if it doesn’t work? does that mean I don’t have ADHD? Do other meds might work? Is the dosis high enough? How am I supposed to get through the day with 2 tables that only work for about 4/6 hours? What happens to me? Will I change into a different person? Or will my brain finally shut the fuck up and can I concentrate on what I am doing for the very first time.

I have no clue, I have to wait, see and try it tomorrow. On the last day of this shitty 2016. I have no clue if I will write some more on this blog. I just have no clue at the moment. I am just scared and on the other hand very excited, after a year of battling on my own I finally am making progress.

Thanks for reading, love Jamie.